With the college football season underway, I thought it would be fun to take a look at the bottom 10 teams.
College football is a sport that has been around for over 100 years. This week, the bottom 10 teams in college football are ranked.
[Editor’s note: The last two winless teams in the country have remained winless. Again. In the meanwhile, a Big Ten team won the coveted fifth spot. Again.]
This week’s inspirational thought:
Why aren’t you able to accomplish it? Why aren’t you able to liberate your monkey? Always succumbing to it Do you have a preference for the monkey or for me? Why aren’t you able to accomplish it? Why do I have to give up my child? With a monkey, of course. (Monkey) With a monkey, of course. (Monkey) Ah-yee-yah-yeeeee
“Monkey,” says the author. George Michael is a well-known musician.
We spend a lot of time preparing for the unexpected here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, which is situated under a pile of candy corn tossed out by Mike Leach. No one saw this coming, yet a Top 25 team lost. A triumph by a team from the bottom ten that no one expected. A punter scores a touchdown. That same punter threw an interception. A coach who used to never punt and never lost, but now does it on occasion and hasn’t won in over two months (sorry, Presbyterian College).
But nothing could have prepared us for the scandal that erupted when a monkey owned by the wife of the Texas Longhorns special teams coach allegedly assaulted a trick-or-treater on social media.
While we were attempting to go through this week’s Bottom 10 rankings, Twitter was ablaze late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. Is this a real story? Is some of it accurate? We’ll probably never be able to tell the truth from the fiction, just as we can’t tell the truth from the fiction in any Halloween horror film (let alone Twitter). However, much like those folks who were lost in the woods for a week hunting for the Blair Witch, the harm has already been done. New anxieties will now linger in our minds indefinitely. Unsettling pictures will remain in our minds for the rest of our lives. Our very spirits will always be restless.
To put it another way, you’ve now experienced what it’s like to spend your Saturdays watching the Bottom 10 teams.
Here are the 2021 post-Week 9 Bottom 10 rankings, with apologies to Abu, Rafiki, the Los Angeles Angels’ Rally Monkey, and Steve Harvey.
unLv 1 (0-8)
The Fightin’ Tark Sharks finally experienced a nice old-fashioned Bottom 10 beatdown, dropping 51-20 to rival Nevada in the annual Battle of Nevada after four weeks of tight defeats. According to legend, the winner of the game gets to retain the Fremont Cannon, a Howitzer named for John Fremont, a 19th-century pioneer whose name is also on the old Las Vegas Strip Boulevard. After their victory, the Nevada Wolf Pack attempted to fire the Fremont Cannon, but it was too clogged with glitter, cheap shrimp tails, and Fireball residue.
2. When I get in Arizona (0-8)
After loosing to USC 41-34, the Mildcats extended their FCS-worst losing run to 20 games. Their previous two defeats were both by a score or fewer, however they did win on Oct. 5, 2019 against Colorado. At the box office that weekend, the No. 1 picture was “”Dude, we’re 4-1,” says the joker. What do you mean, you knucklehead, that we’re going to lose every game for the next three years?”
The Kansas Jayhawks are ranked third in the country (1-7)
With seven straight losses, Kansas is tied with Arkansaw State and FI(notA)U for the nation’s third-longest losing streak, behind only Arizona’s 20 and unLv’s 14. That’s something nice they’ve included in their game notes for this weekend’s annual rivalry game against Kansas State. They’re also the only two Big 12 teams without firing anybody, losing a game they shouldn’t have, defecting to another league, or having a special teams coach’s wife’s monkey go viral.
4. You won’t be able to (1-8)
What’s the good news? With its second consecutive planned open date this weekend, UConn is in the middle of a rare double bye. What’s the bad news? Next weekend, Clemson has an open date versus the Washington Huskies.
Meechigan is number five (7-1)
UMess UMess UMess UMes (1-7)
After defeating UConn to end a 16-game losing run, Massachusetts fell 59-3 to Florida State and then 62-17 to Liberty. The Minutemen’s battalion yelled loudly as they marched off the field, “Liberty, are you serious?! After all, what have we done for you?!”
7. Mexico State, oh my! (1-7)
Both Liberty and New Mexico State have been connected to Conference USA’s ever-changing expansion plans, according to sources. Meanwhile, the athletic directors at UConn and UMass have also hinted that they may wish to enter the C-USA race as well. In other news, if all four current independents join the league, we’ll relocate our Bottom 10 headquarters into the custodial closet off the break room of Conference USA’s offices, much like Ryan in “The Office.”
FI(not A)U FI(not A)U FI(not A)U FI (1-7)
Butch Davis’ Farewell Tour resumed with a 38-0 defeat against Marshall, after which Davis refused to talk to the press.
9. Arkansaw State University (1-7)
Butch Jones did speak to the media after the Red Wolves lost 31-13 to the South Alabama Redundancies, and three questions into the news conference, he realized he was fielding questions intended for Butch Davis from enraged FIU beat writers desperate for a quote from a Butch after yet another bad loss.
Missed in the South (1-7)
Don’t count out the Golden Eagles, who have a remaining schedule tailor-made for slipping into the Bottom 10, with games against Waiting List occupants North Texas Lean Green and Lose-iana Tech, as well as erstwhile Bottom 10 stalwart-turned-Top 25 traitor R.O.C.K in the UTSA. All of this adds up to what might be a season-ending Pillow Fight of the Year MegaBowl when FIU visits SoMiss on Thanksgiving weekend. And we’re not going to miss it.
Ohio Not State, Georgia Southern Not State, Texas State Armadillos, Lose-iana Tech, Tulame, Colora-duh Muffaloes, and Indiana State Armadillos are on the waiting list. COVID-19, Whosiers, Vanderbilt Commode Doors, North Texas Lean Green
The “Bottom 10 espn 2021” is a list of the bottom 10 teams in college football. The list is updated every year on the first day of college football season. Reference: bottom 10 espn 2021.
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